How to Save a Life
by marsh king's daughter
Summary: A drawn out game of make believe must finally come to an end, but Riku will still do whatever it takes to protect Sora from the truth. Yaoi, RiSora


**Disclaimer: **Don't own Kingdom Hearts, but if I did…-giggles- Sora would _so_ take that paopu from Riku (cause we all know what he _really _meant by it)

**Warnings: **Adult themes and brief language.

oOoOo

**H**ow to save a _Life_

oOoOo

The white envelope sitting on the table addressed to me from Twilight Town University is one of the large, heavy ones, a couple of extra stamps gracing the top right corner. It's not the thin, flimsy envelope that I was fearing, maybe even expecting, but I can't help the remaining nerves fluttering in the pit of my stomach nonetheless.

I push it across the table towards him, and his gaze flickers from the letter to me uncertainly. "You open it," I say quietly, as if my actions weren't enough to make it clear what I wanted from him.

Azure eyes glance back down to the envelope and his fingers reach for it tentatively. I can tell he doesn't want to, and I know why, but I just can't do it myself. It's not the first time I push my own selfish needs onto him, and always hovering in the air around us is the knowledge that it won't be the last.

I immediately look away when I catch the slight trembling of his fingers as he begins to tear open the top. I'm dimly aware that this time I don't even have to try pushing away the guilt, since I've become so used to always keeping it stifled and muted in the back of my mind, the back of my heart.

The ripping stops, and now the sound of shuffling paper reaches my ears. I keep my eyes trained on the refrigerator to my left, where colorful magnets hold up pictures from his childhood, where I'm often by his side, the occasional smile brightening my features. He clears his throat, and I'm interrupted from my reminiscing to turn my attention back to the present.

"Um…con-congratulations!" he says with a forced grin, handing the letter over to me. I take it from him silently, pretending not to notice how hard he always pushes himself to act cheerful around me, and he pretends that I don't notice as well.

It's better for both of us that way.

But I momentarily forget about the awkwardness between us as my focus turns to the small, black type in front of me, telling me that I've just been accepted into one of the top colleges in the country.

I allow a shaky laugh of relief, murmuring, "I made it…I really made it."

He beams at me, but his eyes remain sad and pleading, the words that he'll never say to me always so clear in them, and for the first time in quite awhile, I find that I just can't ignore it. "But…I'm still waiting on a couple that are closer to home, so who knows," I say flippantly, setting down the acceptance letter and sifting through the rest of the envelope's contents, pulling out a heavy brochure.

Sora laughs then, but there's not an ounce of happiness in it. "You already made your decision a long time ago, Riku. This is your dream."

I swallow hard. "We'll…hardly see each other if I go. You're okay with that?"

There it is, the once in a lifetime chance for him to be honest with me.

And I almost hate myself at the rush of relief when he doesn't take it.

"Of course," he replies stiffly. "I…just want you to be happy."

"Thank you," I murmur genuinely, getting to my feet. He looks up at me, and I have to work my words around the lump in my throat again at the expression in his eyes. "I should get going to, uh…to tell my parents."

He nods. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow then."

I turn to leave, but suddenly he blurts out, "Um, Riku!"

The urgency in his voice causes me to tense, but I face him anyway, a new sense of heaviness in the atmosphere.

"It's just, I…" he stops, and for a hopeful moment I think he won't say it after all, but then he finishes with a look of resolve. "I love you."

I walk over and ruffle his hair the way I always do, hoping that it seems natural. "Yeah. We're best friends," I say, smiling.

"Y-yeah," he smiles back, and I know he won't say anything else, because it's already perfectly clear to him.

We continue our dark little game of make believe for a moment, and in his small, bright kitchen that reminds us both of rainy days and chocolate chip pancakes, we both wish that we could've remained in our innocent days of friendship and laughter.

We both wish we didn't know what he really meant.

"Er, tomorrow, then," I say awkwardly and then I walk hurriedly out of the room, too afraid to look back. But just as I'm turning the doorknob I realize that my coat is still hanging on the back of my chair. I contemplate leaving it, but reluctantly decide to retrieve it, swearing under my breath.

I walk back through the hall and into the kitchen. "Sorry, I forgot my-,"

He looks up at me in shock, one hand over his mouth and another fisted in his hair while tears stream down his cheeks and his body heaves.

I hate watching it, but at the same time I can't look away and my feet merely stay rooted to the spot. I open my mouth, but find that I don't know what to say, don't know how to make things right.

I'm not all that sure that making things right is even an option anymore.

"S-sorry," he says in a gasping breath, hand removed from his mouth to reach for a napkin. I numbly wonder why he's the one apologizing as he wipes his eyes, resolutely looking away from me.

I walk over to behind the chair where I had been sitting, clenching the fabric of my jacket so hard that my knuckles turn white. "Sora-," I begin, but my voice dies right away, because I don't know what to do. If I say anything, the game of make believe will come to an end, and there will be no more running away. If I don't, he'll just…

He'll just keep getting heartbroken the way he has for years.

"I'm sorry," I say finally. I know it's not good enough, I know I owe him so much more, but it's all I can bring myself to say.

But being the pure, selfless person he is, he insists, "T-that's okay!" as he gets up, walking over to throw the used napkin away.

I follow instinctively and pull him into my arms from behind, burying my face in his hair and wondering if he had always felt so small, so breakable. "I'm sorry," I say again, my voice cracking at the end.

"U-um, please…please let me go," he asks almost inaudibly, sniffling.

My eyes widen and instantly my arms fall back to my side, as if I've been burned. A chiding voice in the back of my head tells me that I'm not the one who has any right to feel hurt.

"You…can tell me not to go, if that's what you want."

He looks at me in surprise, and bites his lip, shaking his head. "You shouldn't stay for me when she's waiting for you."

I don't know why the next words come out of my mouth, but I can't stop them. "If…if I had known sooner, we might've-,"

"Don't," he cuts me off quickly. "Don't tell me things like that. Things like that, I just…I just don't want to know, Riku. It's better if I don't know, if I don't think about 'what if's."

I nod, then murmur once again, "I'm sor-,"

But he interrupts me again. "Don't apologize anymore." His eyes are firm, unwavering this time.

"So…what now?" I ask hesitantly. "Can we still be…friends?"

His expression falls again. "I…I don't…" I can tell he's fighting hard not to cry again. "It's just…you knew for so long, Riku!"

It's my turn to be surprised now, both for the words and his tone of voice.

"You knew for so long, but you wouldn't let me tell you," Sora says, expression pained, eyes watering. "I just…I just wanted to get it out in the open, I wanted to be free from it, but you…" Several large tears escape and I have the overwhelming urge to hug him again, feeling my own eyes stinging.

"It was so hard," he sobs, covering his face with his hands, muffling his voice, and now the guilt isn't stifled and muted, it's flowing through my entire body, ripping me apart. "And then I tell you, and you just…you just act like you don't know, like you don't understand what I've been going through! But you _do_ know, I know you do! And you should've been there to help me, you should've been my best friend instead of…"

He can't say the rest, but I already know what it would've been.

_Instead of being with her_.

"What am I to you, Riku?" he asks then, so softly and sadly that I can't bear it.

I hate the answer that comes from my mouth, but it's the truth and I just can't lie to him anymore. "I don't know."

His hand flies up and I shut my eyes, waiting for pain to erupt on the side of my face. But it never comes and finally I crack my eyes open again, finding his hand hovering an inch from my cheek, trembling wildly, his eyes flickering across my face and brows furrowed.

I wonder why he doesn't just hit me. I almost wish that he would, because I don't deserve his kindness anymore.

After a moment I reach up and take his hand, gently pulling it back down in mine, tremors prickling my skin. I wait for him to wrench it away, but this doesn't happen either.

"Was I…was I really too late?" he asks finally, looking up at me pleadingly. "Is this what it's going to be? All or nothing?"

I still have to fight back the urge to just hold him close, protect him from the things in this world that I never wanted him to know, despite the fact that my own twisted way of protecting him has been the thing that's been tainting him the most…

I don't want him to be dirty like me.

I don't want him to be heartbroken and left alone and hardened by the truth.

If I told him this I don't think he'd understand. Not because he's naïve, but because he doesn't want to believe that this has been a conscious decision of mine. He knows, but he's had his own game of make believe to play. He's pretended for so long that it was involuntary, that maybe I was the naïve one.

I tilt his chin up with my other hand, frowning at the mixture of confusion and anticipation in his eyes, fear and longing.

I bring my thumb up to his mouth, gently running it across his bottom lip as his eyes flutter shut. He shouldn't have these feelings. He shouldn't want something that will make people look down on him, make people _hurt_ him.

_"We heard about your little crush, Ri-ku."_

_"Never expected you to be a faggot, with the way our girlfriends have all been leaving us for you."_

_The first blow, a backwards stagger, blood in my mouth._

_And he's always there, always watching, gentle eyes unusually harsh and cruel._

_"What?" One of them catches my stare. "Did you think he'd say __**yes**__?"_

_Smirks, a fist in my stomach, a voice in my ear._

_"Did you think he'd __**love**__ you?"_

_A couple whistles followed by loud laughter, a shove against the wall, head knocking into the brick._

_"Although…you're not so bad looking, huh?"_

_"Maybe we should have some fun with him."_

_"Axel? What do you think?"_

_I look at him, eyes pleading, blood trickling from my lip._

_"Do whatever you want. It's not like I care."_

_And then he's gone._

_Pain, harsh touches, hands everywhere, no sweet nothings murmured in my ears, only the bitter truth. And then I know that it's wrong, that love isn't supposed to do this to people._

_I vow never to let it happen to anyone else._

I let go of his hand, and my thumb remains on his lip for just a moment before pulling away as well. His eyes open, and there's no hope left in them.

"I thought we'd always be together."

I smile sadly. "Yeah," I whisper. "Me, too."

And then I'm gone, the rest of my unsaid apologies hanging in the air.

Maybe we just get too scared to do what we really need to protect the ones we care about.

So we just let them go.

oOoOo

**Author's Notes: **Um…I know this feels kind of unfinished, but it's kind of…supposed to. XD I don't know. I didn't really know what I was doing when I started writing this, so it's just like random ramblings of doom and confusion. Ah well. It didn't take very long, so it's just…ish. It's been so long since I've updated my regular stories that I just needed something to get the gears turning again. And here it is.

Review? -looks around hopefully and waves cookies in the air-

-Emmy


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